The Alchemy of Dating

(This article has originally appeared on Rebelle Society.)

I was talking to a girl friend about dating recently and she said, “I need to get my dating groove back.” I understand what she was talking about. Theoretically, dating can be exhausting, boring and even traumatic for someone that truly desires a partnership.

Because of the exhaustive light that shadows dating these days, many have come to see dating as more of a chore then an assist to the pure pleasure of being alive. It has become a show, a play for power—which is actually disempowering to the agenda you are trying to accomplish—and somewhat inauthentic. I know this isn’t the case for all people, but well… A good few of the peeps I know feel this way.

My response to her desire to get back on the dating horse was this, “Just be yourself. If you don’t believe in your enoughness, then you cannot expect someone else to.”

The Mask

It seems that our societal conditioning has interrupted what should be a simple interview for possible partnership. We erroneously have come to believe that we have to be something else in order to get what we desire. AND we have to do it quickly.

kali4 tips for making dating fun (cause men want to love and marry fun woman). Fun is the new chaste…

1) Slow down

Somehow, in the busyness of our current era of time, we have become so dried up in the intimacy department we find ourselves rushing to refuel our tanks. In this rush, we are missing the intimate moments of NOW. Slow down enough to enjoy the intimacy right under your nose. This slowing also helps to calm the ever-ticking clock of a woman’s hormonal beingness.

Slowing down and learning to enjoy your NOW also helps in avoiding the mistake of settling for someone that is NOT going to support your continued joy in the future. Dating is not a matter of running into the store to grab a pair of hose (assuming your other hose got a run) because you are late for the opera. This is about matching yourself with a partner that will NOT run. If you are busy running from one bad dating experience to the next, you will attract more of exactly what you are putting out… running.

2) Don’t save yourself for the One

I’ve heard so many women, including myself at some mistaken point in time say, “I am not going to date or sleep with anyone because I want to make room in my life for the One.”

Don’t kid yourself. The One is not going to be attracted to your desperate need to get loved and get laid. The meantime is just as valuable a time as the day you get married. Enjoy it!

Yes, you can leave a space open in your heart for the man of your dreams, but for goodness sake, don’t leave a space for him in your bed just yet. In fact, I propose that by loving the one you are with you have a better chance of attracting the one that you want.

3) Dating is [surprisingly] not personal

Dating is a transaction. We forget that this is an exploration, it’s alchemy. Sometimes the ingredients compliment each other—like really good wine and Chinese food—and sometimes they don’t—like chocolate and orange juice.

When someone doesn’t call you again, this is a gift! We live in a really busy world, be grateful that the person that never called you again actually saved you the time of trying to make a round peg fit in a triangle shaped hole.

4) You are enough. Love who you are.

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If you want love, be love. It sounds so simple but its really going against the grain of every thing that is drilled into us by society. We have confused our desire to fit in with our desire to be loved. They are so very different.

Your enoughness is superseded by the blasting elements of advertising that tell us that we need more into order to be more. The truth is… enough is enough. It’s a simple mathematical equation. Who you are is ALL that you need. Everything that you add to that is an accoutrement, but it doesn’t add to your enoughness. AND frankly, if you want a truly healthy partnership, your partner won’t be factored into your enoughness equation either.

So if you really really want to get married, you really really need to know, understand and embody your inherent enoughness. Capiche?

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2 Replies to “The Alchemy of Dating”

  1. Hi Juliann: I am not really commenting on “Dating” but on the quote by Elisabeth Kubler Ross on your ABOUT page. I read a book many years ago on dying…was she the author. In fact I read the book twice. It was that good.

    About dating: I think a date a day would be my offering to the world’s “search for meaning”. In other words chuck out that apple…

  2. Juliann, I SO agree with you on #2. You’re the first dating coach I’ve heard say that. “Getting loved and getting laid” are needs distinct from partnership. It’s awfully hard to look for a partner when you’re boiling over with immediate needs you expect that person to fulfill.

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