This post is a rewrite of the post I wrote yesterday. After a good nights sleep, I woke up this morning feeling clearer about my feelings and the choices that had allowed my feelings to get out of control. I have decided to leave the original post in the case that you might want to compare, giving you an opportunity to see first hand the differences and maybe using my faux pas to bring light to the areas you try to hide in yourself. A tool for your own inquiry, if you will.
The last few days have been intense. The night before, as I went to sleep, I put the experience in the Universes hands, but somehow I wasn’t feeling like I was connecting. I realize now I wasn’t feeling as if I was connecting as I wasn’t fully connecting with myself. The next morning, I allowed myself to feel the pain that the parts of me I was trying to hide had been pushing to share with me.
Pretty much, what I was doing was trying to impress a man by showing only my [perceived] strong side. Hindsight is SUCH a great tool when used with a little compassion. I saw how much I was weakening myself because I wasn’t showing up whole, I was showing up fragmented. It’s rather like asking a clock to tell you the exact time, but then taking out the minute hand.
That part of me, that conditioned part of me that still defines “spiritual” as some happy-vappy shit, had bamboozled me! In my trying to show up as this strong, supportive, unconditionally loving spiritual chic (which is verra much a part of me), I had shut my eyes to the parts of me that need nurturing, the parts that need a good nights sleep, my morning time for reflection, routine and meditation.
These parts of my life are so important. When I ignore them I go into all kinds of unhealthy stories. These stories create patterns, like drinking vodka in an attempt to numb out the voice that is trying to tell me I need to nurture myself, like drinking coffee instead of tea in the morning. It takes a heck of a lot of energy to hide bits of your self! Coffee to the rescue!
Not such a good idea for someone with my sensitivities.
The morning after Thanksgiving (an amazing thanksgiving surrounded by loving friends) I thought I got it. I let myself really feel into my own actions. I felt into the parts of me I was hiding in order to look perfect, rather then…human. The parts I was hiding behind my spiritual mask. I really felt how the parts of me were affected and caused me to look even worse then had I just shown up fully. Not so much to him, but for myself.
The source truth is this…it hurts when I over-give to others and undervalue parts of my emotional makeup because I deem it as ‘unspiritual’. It drains me when I take from my own well to give to another. Only when I take care of myself, can I love another purely. I call this, letting the cup spill over. I need to always be sure to keep my own cup filled and allow the overflow to wash over others.
This morning, I’ve taken the mask off. Now, I have a new prayer. Allow me to learn to keep it off.
I hope that my being so very honest assists you in sorting the details where your own masks are causing you pain. How do these parts of our being, that we try so hard to hide, seep out of the cracks and affect our lives? How can we continually bring them into the light?
I know my tools are: prayer, eating well, drinking less, playing more, making sure I am getting enough down time, and having a great network of friends that love me enough to call me on my shit and laugh at me when I do try to hide.
I dedicate the song below to myself. I like to think I have a pretty healthy relationship with my dark side. My actions of the last few days have shown quite the opposite. Today, I rededicate to that part of me that needs to be seen, loved and brought into the light.